Fun with heresy!

Institute and I...well, we've had an interesting relationship over the years. I am encouraged to reflect on this as the new term begins and I am forced to attend Institute in order to keep my housing contract. I've never lasted more than a coupla classes in the past, but I have to do better this time around. For your reading pleasure, I present some of the highlights of my past experiences:

1. I was quite excited to attend Institute when it was on the Pearl of Great Price--it's my favorite volume of scripture! But our teacher was out of control; the sort whose goal is to show you how smart he is, not to teach. He went on and on about the creation and the changes the world will undergo at the "end of time" and all the specifics involved in these processes. He was a chemistry professor, so he knew all about how these changes would be effected. [Rolls eyes.] At one point, as he was detailing the chemical reactions that would be involved in turning the earth to glass (all about some particular scripture that when he read it, meant the earth would be fired twice, but didn't have that particular meaning to any of the rest of us), Tianna leaned over and asked "How does he know this?" My reply? "He knows everything! God asked him!" I refused to return as long as this guy was teaching.
2. Same guy, same class, even. (Since I so loathed this man that I wouldn't go back to him ever again.) He proceeds to launch into a discussion of numerology: "Well, 3 is the number of the Godhead. And 4 is the number of...anybody know? Earth, obviously. And when you add 3 and 4, you get 7. Now, Zion, as we all know, is the seventh letter in the Hebrew alphabet. Coincidence? I think not." I mean, really. It's possible that that last bit gets quoted by Tianna and I quite frequently. "You mean it's raining outside, and the cafeteria is serving enchiladas? Coincidence? I think not!"
3. And one final tidbit we learned from this most august of Institute instructors: a burning in the bosom is the least effective way to feel the Spirit. You may have thought differently, what with it being in the scriptures and all, but nope. He actually asked the class how we feel the Spirit, and when some unfortunate soul offered this response, he swooped down on them in righteous indignation. "That is the least effective way to feel the Spirit. Anybody else?"
   
4. I don't even remember what course of study this next guy was teaching us. (That's how great an impact it had on me.) I do, however, remember him talking about The Mortal Messiah: "It's a great read!" Now, when I heard that, I thought of books that I can't put down, and knowing as I do that it's several volumes long, I was led inevitably to "You'll read it cover to cover to cover to cover..." Tianna busted up laughing, along with the entire row behind us; apparently, I wasn't as quiet as I'd thought I was. Oops?
5. Okay, same teacher. He decided, one day, to teach us the Doctrine of the Snowflake: (ok, so I don't actually remember the application of this doctrine; I think it was coming to Christ or something ridiculous like that) but it was based on every snowflake being different from every other snowflake. Now, I've heard this theory debunked in my classes, so it annoyed me to hear it used as a teaching tool for gospel principles. And then there were all the fun, snarky applications I could make, like "What happens when we melt? Is the first thaw like the Second Coming?" and "Do we make good snow angels, or are we too powdery?" This is the reason Tianna enjoys being around me: I'm not afraid to be sacrilegious.
   
6. Another from this same dude: we're sitting in class, and he's talking about the final Judgment. And he says, I kid you not, "It's not like you can just live your life contrary to the gospel and then just change and expect Heavenly Father to be okay with it." I couldn't help it; this was too much. I threw my hand in the air and said, "Repentance says we can." He gave me this look, like 'where did you come from?' looked away, and continued on as if I hadn't spoken. I think that was the last time I attended that class.
7. Well, last week, I started a new class. We're doing the Doctrine & Covenants. And on that note...did you know that heaven is the most colorful place there is? We won't only see color, but we'll hear color, we'll feel color, we'll taste color, we'll smell color! I can't wait!
8. We were collectively implored to "join with [him] in pushing back the veil of forgetfulness." Then he told us all about the pre-mortal existence, in quite remarkable detail. Seriously, my Institute teachers, collectively, must have amazing sources. Where do they get this stuff? I'm kinda jealous.
   
9. And lastly: "Light is the antithesis, or opposite, of dark. So are they the same? [Pause, in which nobody answers this ridiculous question.] No, they're not. They're different." Also, "Light always wins against darkness." Except, as Michael pointed out, in the case of black holes. (Apologies for the geekiness; that's just what happens when you sit by a geek.)
   

Well, there you have it. And people wonder why Institute isn't my favorite thing in the world. I have, however, discovered the key: make sure you go with somebody who will support you in your sacrilege and laugh at your heresy. This makes it all bearable.